


Am I alive and well or am I dreaming dead?

by hellaweirdo



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, also slightly canon that kinda follows episode 3x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 09:24:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6652240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellaweirdo/pseuds/hellaweirdo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>inspired by an idea i had some time ago.</p><p>"I want to see Clarke waking up from a nightmare in the middle of the forest;<br/>And immediately reaching out for Lexa, only to find out there’s no one there; that Lexa is dead and all is left of her is a dubious fragment of her consciousness, trapped inside a stupid chip in this stupid hipster box. And she can’t do anything but sob and clench at her chest because it hurts, it hurts so much and she misses her painfully."</p><p>also</p><p>"Clarke manages to see Lexa one last time, and they have some kind of closure until the next time they collide".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Am I alive and well or am I dreaming dead?

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the song Taxi Cab by twenty one pilots.  
> please note that english is not my first language and this is the first time i try to write something this elaborated .  
> So if anything is grammatically wrong... my bad. (i bet most of it is so i apologise in advance)

The room you're in is lit by a single candle, almost completely melted and dripping wax over the edge of the table it is sitting on. Your feet feel heave, like if you were literally carrying the weight of hundreds of dead bodies all by yourself as you make your way over the only source of light.

(and you suppose you are, anyway).

When you reach it, you glance around the surface trying to look for a replacement. But the warm light is nearly not enough, so you stretch your arms and touch blindly around the wood.

Your fingertips catch something sticky and you feel it for a few seconds, trying to decipher what exactly you came in contact with. It reminds you of nectar, or maybe that weird substance that drips from some trees you've seen around, the same Octavia told you not to come near, explaining that it hurt like a bitch.

You seriously doubt it is something like that, so you bring your finder to eye level and don't recognise it for a few seconds. Your mind races a hundred miles an hour, because why in hell would there be jelly lying around the place?

Only is not jelly, because is darker and heavier than jelly, black pitch darker. And because as soon as it's close enough to your nose, the strong, penetrating scent of copper hits you and you want to throw up and scream at the same time. You feel bile raising up your throat and you on your feet, trying to put some distance between you and what's in front of your eyes.

You recognise the blood, you know the reason it looks that way; so you want to cry, hard (still in denial), but the back of your knees hit something firm that sinks under your weight and, momentarily distracted, you turn around.

Lexa is lying on her back, body spread across the furs and green, angelic, eyes locked on the ceiling of the room. You're standing on the opposite side, and don't remember how you got there, but you know exactly what's developing right then.

Your trip on your way to her side and kneel before her, your hands struggling not to shake too much so you can hold her face and force her to look at you, to make her concentrate on you while you work on closing the wound stopping the bleeding.

But there's something odd in her eyes, and as much as you might feel butterflies en the pit of your stomach when she smiles at you, you also feel something dark and terrible settle there, lurking at the butterflies as if waiting for them to come just a little close so it can wrap itself around their small and fragile bodies, drowning them in infinite darkness.

"Hello, Clarke", she greets you like nothing is out of the ordinary. (And you think the universe most have a really shitty sense of humour). Like she's not bleeding to death in your arms. Like you're not crying yourself dry because you just  _know_ there's something wrong and, right now, you're useless.

"Lexa", you choke with your own words, there are tears forming in your eyes and you're having trouble breathing.

(because your lungs are filled with the taste of wood and smoke, and blood and desolation, and L _exa._ Lexa dying. Lexa looking at you. Lexa's life slipping through your fingers. Lexa bleeding out of a bullet hole that should be yours, should be encrusted in your body. Not hers.

It was never supposed to be hers).

"It's okay, my love. This is okay. You're okay", only it's not, and you're not. Lexa lets out a shaky breath that hits you square in the face and its dead cold.

(for a second there, you feel like this is too real. You want to believe is not  _that_ scene, but you have seen it enough times to know not to fool yourself.

Either way, you can't help but hope this time is different. You always do).

"Lexa, please- don't",  _leave me_ , you want to whisper (as much as you want to yell at her so she reacts, but you don't). Is too late now, like always, so you stop mid sentence, the words forever stuck in your throat like a bad feeling that grows a lump so painful is agonizing.

You watch her seize and choke on her own blood, incapable of doing anything, for what feels like eternity (and a tiny piece of you want that eternity to become real, only because you know that the second it stops, she will be gone), the same blood that sputters from her mouth and into the pillows beneath her head. And suddenly everything is just blood. There is blood everywhere and you feel soaked by it.

But you still reach out for her, unable to endure not being close to her. You hold her as tightly as you can without literally breaking her, and the feeling of your chest being torn apart and your heart ripped out is not new, but it never ceases to make you scream and sob, and you're shaking.

There are gun shots in the background, old ghost that hunt you, but your mind is clouded and you can't think, you can't feel, and you can't let go.

You will never can, you think. And it is not a bad thing, not completely anyway, because you don't want to. Not without her.

 

* * *

 

 

You wake up sweating and crying, surrounded but the shadows of your own demons; you can hardly see the trees waving their skeletal arms around the campsite, (that way you'd know it's not long after finally managed to falla asleep).

You let out a choked gasp and turn on the sleeping bag, you feel your body throw itself to the side and your arms snake around a body that is not there. A body that was barely even there, and yet, is well imprinted inside your brain that you are sure you can see it.

But instead of grasping warm skin and a strong skinny waist, you end up with dirt in your mouth and against the traces left by your sleep induced tears. And you scratch the soil beneath your fingers with an alarming amount of rage, because you were a fool to have thought this would be over as soon as something more important came out.

(but you were also a fool to consider for even a second that something could ever be as significant to you as Lexa).

You are sure that the crude sob that leaves you next is what alarms the other of your state. Because soon after, someone picks you up from the ground and a body embraces you, their arms seem to try to yield you from the word outside and yet you feel so naked and vulnerable.

Your rub at your chest with both hands, wishing for the heartache to go away. But as soon as you realise it isn't going anywhere, you twist them into the clothes of that who catches you at your worst moment.

You don't know who is it this time, and you don't really care. You let yourself sink into them for a few seconds, rocking back and forth in order to calm yourself down, even though you already know is not going to work.

(and yes, you pretend is her for longer than necessarily, because that's what you need at the moment.

And what you'll need the next.

And the next. 

And the next).

 

///

 

No one mentions your scene when the sun rises, but you feel the tense air around all and catch glimpses of worry more than once. Everyone tries to cheer you up in their own way, but you just feel numb to all.

Octavia smiles at you reassuringly, though is a small gesture that disappears soon after, and hands you your weapon. She gladly ignores your trembling limbs.

Bellamy rustles at your hair kindly, like a brother would do; but you know there's probably some dirt and leaves stuck in it that he doesn't want you to notice so you don't feel bad. You want to thank him, you do, but find that you no longer give a shit about your appearance.

Jasper doesn't even look at you, but he also doesn't glare, and he is with whom you're thankful the most. Because he does not acknowledge you at all, and somehow, he does. You hear his words over and over again, bouncing around your head, about not wanting to do to you the same thing you did to his love.

(you can smell woods and smoke and something similar to maybe lavender, but also blood and fire and gunpowder, and Lexa leaving you behind).

 

* * *

 

 

When everything feels like is over, a part of you want to go back to that moment in time when everything was just numbness and your body was on autopilot. Because, right now, everything feels too intense and overwhelming fro you to properly handle it.

Your whole body cries in pain and your limbs ache for rest, for you to stop walking and just... give up. They should know by now that giving up has never been an option. And even if you could have opted to take it, this is not the moment.

You catch glimpses of brown hair in braid and an armour too familiar to mistake, for maybe the hundredth time, and just like the one before, you ignore it as soon as you remember where you are.

(the City of Light, you think with bitterness, is too bright and too well established to be even remotely real. Even for someone of the sky, who grew up surrounded by perfectly build walls and systems made to last centuries, everything seems fake and unbelievable.

You can almost see the cardboard supports behind the building and the trees, hiding the imminent lie you found yourself in).

Vaguely, you remember being chased.

The sound of feet continually following and pushing you around the city's streets, like heavy ghosts wanting to destroy you without second thoughts, having stopped as soon as you came to the bottom of some stairs. You have nowhere else to go, so you fall simply on one of the steps.

You know everything is soon going to stop, they said it eventually would.

Yeah, you're not scared of that.

(she had told you not to be; and though you hadn't promised her you wouldn't, you promised yourself. For her.

So, no, you're not scared).

You're tired and disappointed.

She was supposed to be there, wasn't she? That was the whole point of getting down there. Play, yes, defeating the evil AI was important, but all your sense of purpose was concentrated in finding her, taking her with you if possible. You didn't care, really. You just needed to save her.

So you let yourself cry a little, and you let the tears wash your face from all the dirt and blood over it, until your tremors are too much to ignore.

You feel like fainting, and your skin is probably as white as a sheet.

Without any warning a pair of big strong hands yank you back and you have seconds, really, to decipher what's going on in between your stupor before a sharp and quick knife makes its way towards whoever is holding you down and then you're free.

But you don't move, because you're having trouble breathing.

Lexa is towering over you, so marvellous and gorgeous and eye-catching. The war paint makes you want to sob and there's again that ache in your chest. You feel such and intense need to touch her, that it appears your nerves have gone overcharged, and she's the one who picks you up.

(she's always been the one to pick you up, you realise).

"Lexa", you call breathlessly. She smiles that one smile that's been always reserved to you.

"Hello, Clarke". You sight at the sound of your name coming from her and it takes seconds before you launch yourself forward, arms around her neck and nose buried in her wild curls.

(you can smell woods and smoke and lavender, but also hope and a feeling you can't quite name, but looks like it's been there long before you noticed).

"It's okay, Clarke. You're safe, i won't let anyone harm you", her voice is soft and tender, but her green eyes are hard and you know by a fact that she's not taking this lightly. You want more than anything to kiss her, felling like that's the only thing that will keep you safe from what's next.

No one has the chance to say more, though, because out of the blue your body star convulsing and her arms are there to catch you before you hit ground.

She doesn't look confused (which confuses you), but rather pensive and worried. Is only with that she asks next, that you realise you didn't give her enough credit.

"How long have you been trapped here, love? Your time is running out".

"I just-," shaking you head, you move forward and catch her bottom lip with yours. You know she understands. "I had to find you, before it was over. I had to. I couldn't- couldn't leave without you. I needed to see you, one more time".

"I understand, but you have to go before is too late," she smiles softly and you fail to notice the tears falling down your cheeks until she wipes them out with her thumbs. "It has to be willingly, Clarke", she adds, like she's reminding you something you might have forgotten.

Slowly, the pain start to increase, from the tips of your toes to the top of your head. It feels like everything inside of you is on fire and you might be face with combustion one second or the other. So you're slow to catch up on her words.

"What?", you wince.

"You have to be willing to abandon the city to do so," and her tone is urgent. "Otherwise, it will just continue to be painful, Clarke".

"I do? Then why... why don't you-?"

"It's different with me, i can't," her answer is harsh, but instead of looking mad at you, her anger seems directed to herself. "My body is no longer... intact. I have nowhere to go. My only home is- is you, and you,"she takes your face between her hands, and you two are so close that you can see every fragment of colour in her eyes, "you have a family and friends to go back to".

"But i want you", you almost cry.

"I know, and i love you. Please remember that, okay?"

You just nod, because what else can you do? She's leaving, this time for good, and you can barely function anymore.

She tugs at you, and when your eyes lock you feel at once all the love you have for her, so you can't help but kiss her again. And once more after that. And you repeat, just because you can.

"I love you too, Lexa".

"We will meet again, Clarke  _kom skaikru._ In this life or the next. My soul will always look for yours and we will be together, we will fight together if we must, but i will never abandon you, not completely".

"I know".

"Keep your eyes on me, my love. Just keep them on me, i'm here".

You do, and you're completely entranced in her eyes, so for a moment you don't register anything else. Even so, when she whispers, "now, let go," you do.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i dont write much but i do some art and i might write something about this world (cause yes, i plan to somehow continue this universe) or another if im asked. anyway, you can follow me on tumblr, im there like story-unfolds


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